The One That Got Away......?

‘You were mine, somewhere in time. I'll look for you first in my next life. There's always one that gets away.
The one that sneaks up on you,  that slips away.’ – Pink (The One That Got Away.)
It’s a strange how we remember our ex relationships. Some times it’s so rose tinted we wonder why we left, sometimes we can only remember the sad and awful times and sometimes we wonder why we even bothered or what we were thinking. There are relationships that we would live over and over again and those that we wish we had missed the fateful first kiss at which you fell for him. Somewhere between the lies, the pain and the disappointments you often wonder why came. How the fall from cloud number nine was so swift and yet so sudden you don’t even know how you got there.

But in every girls life there is one that was different. One man who you never stopped thinking about, no matter the distance or length of separation. The one who’s text messages and emails still make your heart skip a beat long after you have stopped communicating  There is the one ladies…… the one that got away. Maybe it was just one date, maybe it was a few, maybe it was a relationship or maybe it was something that had never even started but sometimes we just meet someone who touches us in a way no one else has done and that touch lasts forever. Somewhere in the back of our minds no one compares to what could have been and no one will ever meet that expectation. The bar has been set and some where sub consciously we measure every other date against that one.

We live in a time where, in one swift click we can delete an entire relationship history on any social networking site. We can delete text messages and pictures, even hard drives on laptops can be wiped clean and we can return each other’s belongings (if your ex is a half decent person at least he will). We can change our hair style, drop a dress size and be asked out by a dozen men. And yet despite all that there is no delete button for our mind, our memory or our emotions. For some reason, with that one person, there is every off and delete button except for the way we feel. As human beings we are designed to learn from our mistakes, but remembering those mistakes is rarely enjoyable and even less so when they involve reflecting on a close relationship. Lost love, heartbreak, and mating misfortunes powerfully impact our sense of self and wellbeing. Men seem to be able to say goodbye and move on, that is it they are done. The line is drawn and they don’t look back. Us women, on the other hand, seem to need walk away having learnt something, to have found a reason as to why this has happened and we are totally guilty of walking away, staring over our shoulders wondering what might have been.

It is so hard to not think about what might have been when we feel we have snatched a glimpse of something that could be. But is it that it? Had true love ran its course would the one who got away have turned out just like the others before him? Maybe that’s what the one who got away teaches us, to grab that moment and not let it go. To fight any feelings of playing it safe and to be following our hearts instead. To be free, feel the fear and do it anyway, at least that we will know and the questions answered.

As I reflect on the one that I feel got away, I have to be honest now that I do remember him with a fond smile, I occasionally recall our one (amazing) date on a very drunken night with friends and I have often thought about what might have been. I have no idea today if he is single or taken, I have little knowledge now of his job or where about and I have no idea if we would still get on or feel any chemistry, But one thing I do know was if he walked back into my life tomorrow I am sure I wouldn’t want to pick up where we left off, as somewhere in my memory what was was perfect and for now I would like it to stay that way. After all isn’t it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all……..xX

Whats new (copy) cat....?

Ladies we have all had that friend inhigh school, you know, the one who loved your Tammy Girl dress so much and thenturned up the next day wearing the exact same one, she was the girl who fanciedthe boy you did and had no shame in getting in there first to kiss him, whilstwearing your favorite lip balm.  Shestopped eating meat when you made the choice to be vegetarian despite hatingall vegetables and she painted her room pink when you did (complete withmatching New Kids on the Block poster!) Now dealing with a copycat friend whenyou are twelve is difficult, so how do you do it as an adult? Yep, sadly ladiesthe end of our teenage years does not necessarily mean the end of the copy cat girl.

The old proverb teaches us thatimitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but feeling like someone has stolenyour identity can be annoying and frustrating. Of course we all think,and are actively encouraged to be, unique and original. Yet while this is true,there are always going to be other people who share our interests, ideals and ideas.In fact some of our greatest relationships are built on common interests; I metone of my loveliest, closest friends bonding over a mutual love of Jo Malone ona hen weekend. And of course we met people who inspire us, expose us to thingswe had not previously seen and this does change and shape who we are.  The point is, there’s a line between merelyusing someone as a life style inspiration, and going all single-white-female. Youknow she’s bordering on full-blown clone when she has adopted not only yourblog style, she has no shame in spouting off your opinions and passions as ifthey were her own, she copies your hash tags on Twitter and suddenly become ayoga-enthusiast overnight as well as trying to give ill informed advice on yourareas of specialism and adopts your life philosophy as her own. If this soundsfamiliar, sorry to say ladies, you have single white female on your hands.

The awkward part is when friends andfamily start to notice that you have a permanent shadow who is copying you. Howdo you explain it? It takes a while to notice yourself as no one is that egotisticalto think they have a stalker/copycat issue initially. But slowly and surely theevidence builds up so you even deny it to yourself.You could try to take this as an opportunity to change things is your own life,to try new looks or style choices, to find other interests, to create a newadventure or to experiment with new life philosophies.   If shestarts to copy these, it is a definite that you have indeed picked yourself upa full-fledged copycat.

The real frustration comes from thatdespite dropping a million and one hints the copycat just doesn’t seem to getit! You can try being blunt with her and yet she appears incapable of findingher own set of thoughts and opinions. Obviously you could just try and acceptthe fact that you clearly have such amazing, taste and style, that someonewants to be exactly like you whilst keeping your fingers crossed the copycatwill eventually grow bored of you and start picking up inspiration elsewhere,just keep your fingers crossed she doesn’t move on to your bestie for her next inspirationfix!

At the end of the day I am not one oflifes haters and I try to never look back in anger, I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned. I truly wish people only happiness in their lives. I know a copycatcan't help being a copycat. She might have low self-esteem, have problemstrusting her own instincts, or has maybe grown up being a sheep,and is still to find who she is.  Whateverthe case, it's difficult to have any respect for a person who depends on youand your ideas to shape who she is and her life. So, for me, whilstyou can copyright your blog (mine is!) it is a shame you can’t copyright yourlife to. So for me it is time to pull the plug on this copy machineand let this chapter close……..xX

Stopping to Smell the Roses.......

Ladies imagine the scene (as I am sure you can very well!) you get in from a busy day, you have been in back to back meetings, your lunch is still half eaten in the foot well of your car, the cup of tea a colleague kindly made you at 9am that morning is still sat there, cold and untouched, your phone is flashing with unreturned calls and texts and you have committed yourself to doing some one a favour tonight, which you honestly don’t mind doing and want to do but how do you fit it all in. This is all without giving time to our beloved other half and the little ones! The thing is sometimes life is moving so fast we don't even know what's good for us. Can we ever stop and smell the roses? Or are we living life at a million miles an hour and have no idea how to hit the brakes? Are we unknowingly spiriling out of control, doing too much and spreading ourselves to thin? Are we encouraged so often to say yes more, to regret the things we have done as opposed to the ones that we haven’t, that we are doing it all and not stopping to appreciate it? Between an average 40+ hours working week, friends, family and relationships where is the 'me' time we so badly need? As women, we actively encourage and inspire each other to have it all. To live wild and free yet do it carrying all the daily responsibilities that we have taken on. That’s quite a huge ask of any one.

Interestingly, men on the other hand, don’t appear to have this problem. They can get home from work, dinner will be on the table (thanks to us) then it is a quick shower and change before giving the xbox / friends/ football some much deserved attention! Yet we are running around in Kurt Geiger’s finest sky scrapper high heels, All Saints pencil skirt and Chanel lipstick (unsmudged) doing ten things at once. How do they do it….?

For most ladies ‘me time’ involves some serious internet retail therapy (no time to go to real life shops and the mirrors are so unflattering!) some time with Sky+ and no alarm clock screaming at us at 6am. But sometimes, for most of us, the hardest thing is to switch off and take some time out. To put our phone on silent, make a do list of we want to do and decline the social invitations we are swamped with.

Life (well the Indian consulate and is crazy slow processing system) has recently forced me to take some time off. A first in my world really as I am not a sit still and talk about the dream kinda gal. But much more of a grab life by both hands, enjoy the ride and live the dream type of person. So a week off with nothing to accept wait for India to let me in came as quite a shock to the system! The first few days were a little confusing with no work and no massive urgent commitments to attend to, I felt like I was at University again. But slowly I got used to it and began to stop and smell the roses. I baked cakes, shopped until I dropped, had pamper sessions, watched films, did more yoga and running than usual and ate, a lot, with no calorie counting. The freedom was incredible. So as I reflected on my week off I realised the true pleasure in all this. The true pleasure in my time off has been in being able to see my loved ones enjoyment in sharing these experiences. I can’t imagine baking a cake and having no friends to dig in with their forks eagerly poised before it is even out of the oven or to enjoy the stillness of a swim and sauna session without one off your besties joining you. What is the point in baking cakes or buying new dresses if there is no one to share them with? So as I take a deep breath, put on my favourite Bobby Brown lip-gloss, slip on my highest Office heels, square my shoulders and head back into the race of life I realised that so as long we have wonderful friends and family supporting and surrounding us we may be in that race but we have already won first place xX.

Every woman needs a man who will ruin her lipstick, not her mascara ( @Benefit_UK_IRE #mascarathonuk) xX

It's a well known fact amongst us ladies that no man is worth your tears and the one who is won't make you cry. Which is great in theory and I know we would all love to find the perfect man who would do anything to make us happy, who would move mountains to be with us and would willingly do anything to make us smile (and no I'm not talking materialistically!!).  For the most part, we can sort of agree that, our boyfriends/husbands are generally ok. Yes they might forget things you consider important (birthdays, anniversaries and milk on the way home), yes they might be blind to any tasks that need doing (house work, DIY, car related type things) and yes they come home drink, rambling rubbish, dropping kebab everywhere and ranting about nothing. And, no, they don't understand our love for shoes/make up /hand bags or have any insight into why we feel the need to take so long to get ready. But essentially they will listen to us going on, make us a cup of tea when we get home at the end of a hard day, make an effort to spend time getting to know our friends and support us no matter what. Admittedly when your cleaning up spilt kebab, fetching glasses of water to soothe the hangover and pretending to listen to what ever they are going on about whilst tripping over their XBox it can be hard to remember that essentially underneath all this is a lovely, decent man, who cares very much. But we know he is.... Of course there will be arguments, disagreements and times when you just don't get on (no its NOT permanent PMT boys!).  It is well documented by psychologists that the art of a heated discussion is in fact good for a relationship. To be able to develop a skill set where abouts you can talk to your partner, calmly, put you point across and not just place blame is a very positive thing. This in turn can make your relationship stronger and bring you much closer together.  But sadly for 1 in 4 women this goes too far, and they will experience domestic violence over their lifetimes and between 6-10% of women will suffer domestic violence in a given year (Council of Europe, 2002). The subject of Domestic Violence is a some what controversial one. Much of what happens (as with all abuse) goes on behind closed doors. Out of sight tragically means, for most, out of mind. The facts in black and white are shocking enough in themselves and make for uncomfortable reading.  Two women are killed every week in England and Wales by a current or former partner (Homicide Statistics, 1998) and one woman is killed every three days. Domestic violence has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime (Home Office, July 2002) and it takes on average, a woman to be assaulted 35 times before her first call to the police (Jaffe, 1982). Every minute police in the UK receive a domestic assistance call – yet only 35% of domestic violence incidents are reported to the police (Stanko, 2000 & Home Office, 2002) The 2001/02 British Crime Survey (BCS) found that there were an estimated 635,000 incidents of domestic violence in England and Wales. 81% of the victims were women and 19% were men. Domestic violence incidents also made up nearly 22% of all violent incidents reported by participants in the BCS (Home Office, July 2002).  Whilst the figures themselves are frightening the reality of domestic violence is even more chilling. It can come as physical, emotional, financial or sexual abuse, but more often than not is a combination of all of them. It strips a woman of her confidence, self worth and independence.  Statically speaking, very sadly, the impact of domestic violence will touch us all in our life times. It could be family, friends or even ourselves and the effect it can have lasts years after the scars have faded. Like all abuse the only way to end it is to challenge it, to ensure that it isn't brushed under the carpetbag or accepted as a social norm and most importantly that there are services in place to support women who need to access them.  So ladies put on your lipstick, grab the girls and support  @Benefit_UK_IRE #mascarathonuk via sponsorship and retweeting!!  *All information was gathered from www.refuge.org.uk who's website offer support and advice xX

Style is unique, to copy is cheap.....

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. C. S. Lewis In a world where we are constantly bombarded with information, images and suggestions it can be all a little overwhelming. Advertising is constantly selling us unreasonable images of perfection and inspiring us to aim for an unrealistic life. How do we find out who we are or what we want? How do we know what's true to us and what we are doing for others? In a world where any thing is possible it can be easy to loose our way. From the way we choose to live our life's to the way we choose to dress the options are unlimited.  Often from a young age we have ideas and aspirations of the person we want to be and what we want to achieve. From getting married and having children to career aspirations and couture lusts that only a promotion will ever see us achieve, we all set our sights somewhere in the stars. The one thing we all (well most!) of us want to be is original, have our own thoughts, our own ideas, our own styles and very much make our own unique decisions. To make our own unique story is definitely something we all work towards.   But sometimes ladies, and we have all had this, our originality is high jacked by a wannabe. Annoying and invasive at the best of times, insulting that they are stealing our ideas at the worst, some people just get lost on their way. Maybe it's a maturity issue and they just to take some time out to get to know themselves or maybe it's a type of flattery as you've inspired them that much they feel the need to imitate you, who knows! Obviously from time to time we are all inspired by some ones amazing sense of style, brilliant ideas or attitude to life but we should take it away, acknowledge the sisterly inspiration with respect and make it our own. Not just mindlessly copy and paste the fabulousness into your own life without any effort to put your own thoughts in, it's just rude.  As a little girl my main ambitions were a little odd and some what unconventional. At the age of nine I already knew I wanted to be a social worker, wear really high heels, do Angelica Houstons make up in the Rould Dahl film The Witches and travel the world with my best friend when I grew up. In terms of achieving goals you could say I have been very focused!! Following my dreams has always been something I have been passionate about and would always encourage others to follow theirs. No matter what I do I always try to improve, to find new ways of expressing myself, to keep looking for truth and originality. I believe that  originality does not consist in saying what no one has ever said before, but in saying exactly what you think yourself. Going back to you and knowing who you is can be one of the most important life skills you can achieve. So ladies, grab yours dreams to see where they lead to and the adventures they may make unfold. Know being individual makes you amazing and if a little wannabe insists on imitating you simply smile and know style is unique, to copy is cheap xX

Hard to get.....?

'I believe things happen for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually start to trust no one but yourself, & sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together' - Marilyn Monroe. After the heart ache of a break up has healed, the tears have stopped and you have got rid of all connections to the ex, the time comes when it's time to move on. For a while this seems almost impossible, how will you trust anyone again after that betrayal, how will you ever get naked in front of any one again after  the confidence shattering blows he pulled and will you ever be able to trust any one again? The thought of someone new coming into your life and having to get to know them again can seem so overwhelming at the best of times. But nothing could be truer than the age old proverb - time heals all. Each day gets easier and as the memories fade, the rose tinted glasses are put down and the pain goes away we can start to move forward.  Thing is, this brings a few new issues of its own. At the point we are over a break we are normally at our skinniest (the post break up diet is always proven to drop any excess weight) with a fabulous new hair style  and/or colour and great new shoes ready to face the world again. So as we travel along the road, planning holidays, working hard and spending time with the girls, some how or another we bump into a future potential prince charming when we least expect it. As the excitement of flirting washes over you, the nerves also start to grow. How do you play this? Can you flirt or are you making an idiot of yourself ? What's too much? Are you coming on too strong or playing it far too cold? It's a minefield and it's so easy to get lost in the whole thing.  It only takes a quick peek on line to see there are a multitude of books, websites and magazines that all claim to be able to answer these elusive questions. All offer advice and support for every type of singleton out there. But this is where is gets confusing and mis leading, from text back immediately to leaving it and playing hard to get the advice is endless, confusing and often mis leading. Add some well meaning friends contradictory advice and you have yourself one giant headache. Can you really second guess someone's motives? Can you predict what their response will be to your text? And at what point does innocent flirting become a game thats far too complex? As I sat with the girls, drinking vino and discussing our respective man issues, the subject of flirting and playing hard to get inevitably came up. For both those who had just met a potential prince charming and those who were wanting to keep the current one interested, debates raged on the best way to do it. Fear of coming on too strong seemed to be at the top of the agenda, whilst playing it too cool was also another worry (apparently there is cool, cold, ice queen and then me!! Constructive criticism eh girls?! Haha!) But it was the wise words of the beautiful Miss W that inspired me. She wanted to flirt and stay true to herself. Inspired by her strength and honesty I wondered if I did play it too cool some times? Maybe, maybe not but if I am I know I'm being true to me and making, not following my own rules. After all rules were made to be broken! xX

#B is for bailing, builders and botox....

We have all been there ladies, that moment you look across at your current other half, and realise with a sinking heart, you gotta go. Taking a deep breath, trying to focus and wondering what on earth your going to do and scrambling your thoughts together in an attempt to make them articulate. It's awful knowing your going to hurt someone you cared about and there really isn't a great way to do it, but do it we must if we feel that way.  The most important thing about a bail is to be sure of what you want and why. Its an easy thing to say in temper and anger when you hurt but almost impossible for your relationship to recover from even if it's said in the heat of the moment. Bailing, itself,  should be approached like a plaster. You can soak it, dress it up, slowly work around the edges or ignore it as much as you can but ultimately it's only going to happen in one short sharp motion, and it's definatly  going to sting. A lot! But how do you bail politely, honestly and with your dignity intact? At the beginning - So its been a handful of dates. He seems nice enough, you clearly find him attract but for what ever reason something just isn't clicking. Maybe its just little things now but you know in your heart this isn't going to go anywhere. Now this one is hard because he really hasn't done anything wrong and it would be easy to bumble long, hoping that at some point the feelings would come. Bad news is they never will, believe me, I've made this mistake! At this time, being so early in to this situation its entirely appropriate to send the polite but firm bailing text. Something fairly standard, a brief explanation that you don't wish to see him again and a reason why. This is important, if you don't he will persist to know why (we would be totally the same!) and always thank him for the time you had. Whatever you do don't just ignore him, we hate that and it's rude. Just a quick text and your both free to move on.  Past the beginning - Ooo sticky! After the first few dates it's really only polite to do this face to face. Mainly as a mark of respect to what you had. I would suggest his house (unless your living together of course!), then you can leave and he doesn't have to travel upset. Honesty is generally the best policy but there is no need to be really blunt. Don't forget we have all had our hearts broken at some point. Who has what, who owes what and who wants what discussions can be had at a later date. Yes, you will cry so ensure you have waterproof mascara and a pocket pack of Kleenex to hand. Tell a friend so you have support for when you leave because you will feel awful and be kind to you. Whilst it's hard remember you are in fact setting both of you free to find 'the one' and not holding each other back from that.  A few weeks ago now I found myself in this exact situation. I needed to bail 3 dates in. A 23 year old fine example of a proper man (aka a builder). The major problem was despite being  genuinely lovely, intelligent, successful and gorgeous, I just didn't feel a spark, typical! To be fair he treated me like a princess so it seemed only fair to extend that respect back. So as I explained my bail, he quietly took my hand, kissed my check and told me he thought it was shame. He thanked me for the fun we had and asked me not to be stranger. With that he politely turned on his heel and walked off in the sunset, hopefully to find his happy ever after. As he disappeared in to the distance he glanced over his shoulder and reminded me to change the lightbulb in the bathroom! A true gentleman to the final word. No rows, no nasty texts, no childish behaviour and no animosity. The tear I had held back escaped my eye, ran down my cheek and as it splashed my Kurt Geiger's he had long gone. Taking a deep breath, I had done it and survived. I had bailed on the builder, and as at nearly 30 I had dated a very hot 23 year old decided to shelf the Botox, at least for this year.... Happy days....xX