The Jellyfish Effect......

We have all had those moments in life that catch you out. When we are heading down a highway of happiness, balanced on our hard earnt Jimmy Choo’s, the sound track of our lives blasting out loudly and our hair flowing like a Pantene advert (hey, it’s my day dream!!) they temporally knock you off your path and can send you into a mini spiral of self doubt.  It is the moment that can cause an irreversible crack in your being, the pain runs deep and yet the issue can almost be superficial. Yes ladies, we have all felt the jellyfish effect.

The jellyfish is a stinging comment said by someone we love, respect and admire, usually regarding we are something we are sensitive about. Normally a throw away slip of the tongue, maybe meant in jest, maybe said without the speaker thinking and nearly always in the middle of a conversation so you don’t even realise you have been stung before you walk away! My personal favourite was from an ex colleague whom I hadn’t seen in a long time – ‘you look wonderful darling, so well, so happy! The extra weight suits you!’. My response – ‘Oh thank you..... er what.?!!’ As she walked away I realised that I’d been 100% stung! As she swished off in a cloud of Dior I was left catching flies, my apparent double chin grazing the floor.

The problem with the jellyfish effect is that in line with sod’s law, 99.99% of the time the toxic stinger is someone we love or loved. We can say a million wonderful things about this person and yet every now and again they throw us an emotional curve ball, for what seems like no reason. And this is where the pain comes from. In line with the pain comes the shock and the fear that they mean what they say. Is this how they really feel? Do they secretly hate us? Are we really that bad?!

But then there is the super king jellyfish sting. We have all had that one person, be it friend, family member or boyfriend who likes to publically put us down, belittling us in front of their friends and any social group. We have all felt the uncomfortable silence that follows and the wonder of what kick that person got out of it. I have an ex who appeared to take total delight at announcing he thought I should be going to Weight Watcher’s whenever he had an audience. Uncomfortable silence all round, swiftly followed by my defiant chomping of chocolate!

Then there are the occasions when the sting isn’t provided by a friend, family member or ex. There is a time when we can all quite readily give them to ourselves. Sometimes self destruct is all too easy to hit. Be it stepping on and off the scales 5 times a day, counting every calorie that passes our lips, comparing ourselves to the super model types we work with or remaining friends with an ex on Facebook, we can create our own destructive cycles. Constantly reminding ourselves of the goals we are yet to achieve, that mean so much to us can be a destructive game. These can be worse than the imposed jellyfish as the stop button is a long way off the further we let ourselves spiral. Strangely finding out own stop self destruct mode is more challenging than it can seem.  There can be no truer saying than we can all be our own worst enemy.

Whilst we can never stop the friendly jellyfish sting we can choose to look at how we cope with it and why that person as stung us the way they have. Of course things can just come out in a way that it was never meant and that is something we have all done. An embarrassing error that came from a genuinely good place. But from time to time that isn’t the case. A wise and beautiful lady once said to me that these stings come from a person’s own insecurities and they are just reflecting them on to you. So maybe next time we are stung or we are stinging ourselves we should take a deep breath, remind ourselves we not the thing the sting implies and remind that much loved person or ourselves how fabulous we all are xX

For My Five..............

It is said the that the average woman has 5 real friends, this blog is for you all of you......

Through our teenage years friendships are formed on the school social scale. A blurry maze of unspoken rules that dictate who can speak to who, who we can berate and who we can date. School is a time in our lives when friendships are judged by the sports labels worn and the type of bag you carried. It is a time when it is acceptable to write all over things in tippex to prove our love and when the height of true friendship was in the swapping of some tiny stringy bracelet that cost a month’s pocket money. Looking back at our 13 year old selves it’s too easy to look at those friendships that were made on buses and in playgrounds and remember them as simple times. We forget the heart break of being ignored by the cooler kids, the teenage anguish of feeling no one understands us and the constant race of not being the last girl to kiss a boy or start her period. These early friendships often become the window to our past, these are the friends who remember our first kiss, our first drunken encounter and our shared pride at owning a shell suit. They not only remember and share these memories, but they are also their memories too.  It is within this rich tapestry of our early friendship that we start to develop our sense of self and shape our future friendships.

In our late teens and early twenties our friendships, like us, start to grow, change and mature. As we start to spread our wings, follow our dreams and create our own path to find out who we are our friendships naturally follow suit. College and University often pave the way for new and more sophisticated friendships with people we may have never had opportunity to mix with before. This a time when friendship is based on the kindness of holding our hair back when the right answered to any question seemed to be vodka, clothes are swapped and recycled and shoulders were for crying on.

As we turn into our thirties, we see these friendships changing again. As we face issues such as marriage, divorce, IVF and bereavements, we find the bonds go deeper than we could ever have imagined. Holding each other’s hair back is replaced with holding hands through the cruellest curve balls life could throw at us. We reflect over bottles of wine ( as opposed to the Lambrini of our teens) over our teens when we felt life was easy, when there were so many boys to chase, dating was fun  and our stomachs were flat enough to brave a crop top. Now life just seems complex, men might as well speak a different language, our jobs rule our life and our once wash board stomachs now require a two drink minimum in a badly lit room to be viewed by another living sole, or is that just mine?!

As I think about my closest friends, all different ages, and different ideals and from different walks of life, but the thing that binds our relationships is that they are all so inspirational. It is the greatest honour to share, in some ways, the lives of the women who inspire you and make you strive to aim higher in all aspects of your life.

It is the adventures we have, the memories we make and the tears we share that are an essential part of who we are and who we will become. Through arguments, men (who undoubtedly come and go), children and bottles of wine, bonds of friendship can be tested and proven time and time again. For every man who tramples all over your heart, there are friends to wipe away the tears, pour you into AllSaints tiny, tightest and finest and help you dance the blues away. For every set back we encounter in our professional life there are friends to offer advice, support and chocolate. Our girls are gym buddies, diet supporters, and emergency childcare providers. They are our unwavering support as we face challenges and try to find the strength to carry on at our lowest moments. Some we are born four days apart from, some we went to school and university with, some began as work colleagues but became so much more, and some we are not sure where we found them but are very grateful we did. So to all these beautiful, inspirational women who give so much, thank you xX

The Romantic Ideal........?

Being your average late twenty something girl I have learnt, over the years, to keep my heels and my standards high. Being part of the ‘we can have it all’ generation I have found myself, like a lots of us, at nearly thirty having achieved lots of goals that I set myself. For me those goals included a good education (a degree and a post grad isn’t bad!), a city centre apartment, a car (all be it a tin can on wheels, but I still love you Little V!) a career I love, amazing inspirational friends, a wardrobe full of shoes (I like my money where I can see it) and an over flowing memory box of travel tickets. And I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Maybe it’s chaotic, there is a current prince charming vacancy and children still seem a way off but we can’t really have it all, can we?

Planning our careers, travels, shoe purchases and adventures are all things we can work on. Targets can be set and it is within our control to achieve them. But looking for love is something that is not so planned. Yet it is a mission that we all accept at some point in our lives, sometimes it’s for a quick fling, sometimes it’s for all the wrong reasons and sometimes we set out looking the elusive ‘one’. Whatever the mission and your expectations, you can guarantee some heart break along the way. The one thing we all seem to want though is the romance. That perfect first date where everything is magical, romance is surrounding us, flowers, candles, music and hearts are everywhere and prince charming is organizing it all. The kind of date that takes us four hours to get ready for, that requires an in depth knowledge of cutlery etiquette and where we expect to be swept off our feet, princess style. But what is it that sweeps us of our feet on that date? Is it prince charming’s humour? The closeness and warmth you are sharing? Or are we just swept away by the illusion of romance. Without the candles, hearts and flowers would this date still feel as wonderful? Is it the pressure of the situation causing our adrenaline to rush or the way we really feel? Some times it’s easy to be caught up in the glamour and Hollywood style romance and we forget what love is really about.

So whilst we are swept away in a romantic blur , it seems only fair to ponder the point, what do men think of romance? Is it a one way road that we girls hurtle down, head in the clouds, unknowingly alone whilst our desired prince charming quietly rolls his eyes? Needing to find an answer to this, I found myself flipping through my little black book of male friends, ex’s and others I have picked up along the way when my eyes fell on Mr X’s number. Bluntly honest, cuttingly witty and (I suspect!) a secret romantic he seemed to be the perfect man to ask. A quick random text and then a nervous wait for his reply. A few minutes later my tummy flipped as my phone flashed – New Message Mr X. Biting my lip, I peaked at the text. The answer, according to Mr X, was simple, – it’s in showing affection. It seemed such a beautifully raw and humbling answer, maybe that’s what love is all about? Maybe the Hallmark version we are constantly being sold and buying into is all an optical illusion of what it should be. Rather than what it is and what really matters. Romance can be a small as a cup of tea in bed, a cheeky text that makes your tummy flip, making you smile after a difficult day or kissing you when you have no makeup on. Simple things that don’t cost anything, they don’t set off fireworks and they don’t make headlines, but they are simple, beautiful and meaningful tokens of affection. The hard part is finding the man who would do that for you....

Maybe we can’t have it all, maybe we can. Are these conscience or unconscious decisions that we make along the journey. Given the choice would we choose to do again what we have already done? Would we change anything? Maybe prince charming will never arrive, maybe he is just around the corner or maybe he is already in our lives and hasn’t told us yet. Maybe that’s the beauty and wonder of love, we never truly know where it is and like any good story that’s what keeps us hooked.

2012 - The year of Heels, Happiness and Love.........?

With Christmas firmly out the way for next few months, Cadbury’s Creme Eggs already being stocked at the local garage (I kid you not!!) and still a few days off work for some of us, we can officially put the tinsel away. As we lurch into the week between Christmas and New Year we are all shopped out, sick of eating and nursing the mother of all hangovers from 3 days drinking. It is about this time that our thoughts turn to the New Year. The plans, the dress, who we will be kissing when Big Ben hits twelve and of course the resolutions. After weeks of excess our belly’s bulge over our AllSaints jeans, our favourite Office killer heels are looking a little worse for wear and no amount of YSL Touché Éclat will cover the bin liner type bags that are under our eyes. Suddenly a healthy life style complete with gym membership, vegetable smoothies and a yoga toned body seems like the Holy Grail. As we make promises to ourselves and each other that this will be the year we give up drinking, the year we stop smoking, the year we drop a dress size and tone up and the year we break all our bad habits. With our resolves strengthened by the New Years day hang over and the left over vodka haze blurring our take on reality, we throw ourselves and our credit cards into the promise we have made. However the reality of the crazily high and sometimes unrealistic expectations we have willingly committed to can often result in failing.  In fact according to statistics, 88% of all New Year resolutions end up failing. A scary and negative fact to start the New Year on! So with this in mind maybe it was time re-evaluate the resolutions we normally make and look at other options.

In some ways New Year is a bit like a date. A really hot date. But instead of with some fit man you have longingly fluttered your Dior Show mascaraed eyes at, it’s more of a date with destiny. Like any date so much energy and effort goes in to getting ready, choosing the perfect outfit and arranging venues. The familiar tingles of anticipation rises up your spine as you approach the magic hour. It all looks and feels amazing through the wine and mojitos, everything sparkles and just for once you think, this might be it! This could be the one that works out, the one that really changes everything!!

It is with all this energy and excitement that our expectations raise to scary high heights and we are totally unprepared for the wake up fall when the cold hard light of day arrives. Prince charming wasn’t what we thought he would be, the diet crumbles when the hang over kicks in and there is never a practical time to organize your kitchen draw so why try, you know where everything is!

So as another year rolls to an end and the window of opportunity that is a new year opens it arms to us what do we do? Sit and let it go silently by? Quickly grab it and make it promise us the world? Or do we simply slip on our favourite heels, put on another coat of lipstick and promise ourselves that this year we will give this year our best shot. We will say yes more to opportunities, we will hold the people we love just a little bit tighter and we will be kinder to ourselves. As the year goes by it is easy to look back think of how old we are getting, how many goals we have set that we are yet to achieve and how many things we have done that, given the chance we would do so differently. It is easy to forget that the benefit of aging is experience and confidence, the advantage to setting goals is that they are moveable features, things we can happily spend a life time working towards and the mistakes we make are simply lessons learnt. The journey may be long, the detours may be unplanned and sometimes painful but they make us realise what’s important, what the goal really is and sometimes gives us the opportunity to question if we really want it that much.

I hope 2012 see’s us skinner, eating healthier and smashing all our bad habits, if that’s what we want. But most of all I hope it brings us all kindness, acceptance and most of all love.