Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the silhouettes you drew here and
Gracious goes the ghost of you
My dear......
- Ben Howard.
The break up - Maybe you broke his heart, maybe he broke yours, but being honest the chances are you maybe broke each others a little bit. Break ups get messy and maybe the ex turned out to be liar, maybe he showed zero respect to you or even what you had, maybe you regret the part you played and whilst you have forgiven, lessons have been learnt and not forgotten.
But through the inevitable lies, tears and pain it can be hard to remember this was once a man who claimed to not just love you but adore you. Who wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. Who hid gifts from your favourite beauty brand (Benefit for the record...) all over a hotel room for you as a surprise. Who came back from a lads holiday with your favourite Dior perfume just because he missed you, who admired, even respected you as a professional and who held you when you sobbed after a difficult day. The man who at one time could make you smile just by being him, who for just a period of time shared your dreams and hopes.
It's so hard to remember the good times when we are blinded by hurt and pain. No one wants to look back and remember the happy times you laughed together, the time you made sushi (and it went so very wrong you got very drunk instead), when he sent you flowers because no one ever had, when he decorated the bathroom as a surprise and the time he made your favourite breakfast in bed as a surprise. It's easier and more comforting to remember the awful holiday, the massive arguments and the times you felt totally unsupported.
A couple of months ago I was driving along, enjoying the late summer sun (the teeny bit we had!), radio blasting, windows right down, when 'our song' came on. Not the Elton John version but the one song an ex and I had shared (admittedly with one ex it was old EJs funnily enough). Any how as my mind drifted briefly to what was now long gone I stopped at traffic lights. Glancing up fate was clearly having a laugh when said ex of 'our song' was stood there, waiting to cross the road and could clearly hear the radio blasting out off my car. There was a split second where neither if us knew what to do, I was certainly inwardly cringing, then his face broke into 'that' smile I knew so well. As he raised his hand to say hi and I acknowledged him back there was a moment of clarity. I have to admit sometimes that I don't want to see the good times. It's easier to be angry at someone than to be honest and say the happy memories still ache a little bit. Not in a wanting to get back together way, not even in an I miss you kind of way, just in a once upon a time I was your world and we were so close but I don't even know you now way. It is so hard in a break up to pin point exactly where something went so wrong. I genuinely believe that no one is blameless. It takes two of you to create happy memories and it takes two of you to argue and hurt each other. Within seconds the lights changed and like with the relationship, I moved on. Ready to face another chapter with the faith that love is a label that never goes out of fashion.....xX
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